Invest in the one that matters – YOU

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Why is it that so many of us choose to stay with our partner out of a sense of duty or obligation even when it’s riddled with toxicity, dysfunction or lack of an emotional connection? I’m guilty of this, there have been many times that I didn’t want anyone to know that my happily ever after’s were more like the hell of my own making so I sugarcoated the shit out of my situations and plastered a smile on my face.

But, unlike many of whom I’ve spoken to on this subject, it seems as though my ability to live in a chaotic environment has an expiration date of – five years. To be honest I have yoga pants that have lasted longer than most of my relationships.

Recently a beautiful soul reached out to me and expressed that she feels a sense of hopelessness in her forty-year marriage and thought that maybe it would be better for her to be put on medication to handle her depression and sadness due to her constant struggles in her marriage. “I’ve invested over forty years,” she said.

Invested. There’s that word again. Marriage isn’t an investment. It’s a union between two people who love one another, who encourage each other to be the best versions of themselves, to feel safe enough to be vulnerable and be our authentic self without the feelings of judgment. 

You invest in land, stocks or your crystal collection. A loving relationship goes deeper than how much time one has served in a marriage. That’s another term I often hear – time served, if you start referring to your relationship as a jail sentence than there’s a need for some self-reflection.

When we live our life out of duty, or obligation, fear of judgment, we are not living authentically, we are not living ‘freely’ and we lose ourselves.

When I was married to the wasband the chaos under his roof was often times maddening that I went to many lengths just to numb myself from feeling pain, sadness, and fear. I self-medicated myself just to get through the day, to get through the toxic moments. It didn’t matter how well I performed in our marriage it seemed as if I could never met his approval. 

How the fuck did you get here? 

Many moments led to my decision to finally choose me instead of living in a loveless  marriage. I stopped making excuses for my unhappiness. I realized that I deserved a life free of the bullshit, free of the tears, free of fear, free of the ongoing emotional abuse. Most of all, I had to not worry about what others were going to think. It was just time to become my hero in my story.

Since my divorce I’ve learned that it’s not selfish to invest in your mental well-being. It’s not selfish to want to set boundaries and it’s sure as hell not selfish to live an authentic life and stand behind your voice. 

My wish is for you to realize that you can live a life free of the bullshit. Many of us feel that we failed not only ourselves but others around us if we choose to end a long term relationship but that’s so far from the truth. Look – you have been in a far longer relationship with yourself and it’s time you see that. It’s time to feel worthy again and start showing yourself what love and life is all about without the constraints of a toxic partner. 

I have faith in you. 

You’re not everyone’s cup of tea.

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When I’m guided by source energy to reach out to someone that I’d rather not speak to I do my best to ignore the request. Deep down I know that there has to be a very good reason behind Source/God/Universe wanting me to extend an olive branch to someone of my past. I also know without hesitation that anytime that I am directed that there is something deeper than what it may look like on the surface. I also know what happens when I try to ignore the direction from spirit – let me just say…..it’s not very pleasant.

In recent years, I have been able to discern whether the message I am to deliver is ego-driven (coming from self) spun with my own not so nice niceties or that of a higher source. Sometimes those fly by the seat of my pants no filter comments are better received than those words of wisdom, accolades or advice that I have been guided to give which mind you usually take me a few days to deliver due to me hoping that Source/God/Guides will forget. They won’t. I know this.

This past month I have been blocked on social media and told to “Fuck off and die lady.” these were two separate occasions after two separate requests by Source, by two people who once thought highly of me –  one used to say that I was the love of his life and the other said that I was an angel sent by God.

Yeah, I know that angel comment was a bit of a stretch.

The messages that I gave were given with love, compassion, and filled with light but how they were received was of a lower vibration fueled by ego, hate, and ignorance. At first, I felt slighted, hurt and shocked by how they both responded to the message plus, it’s not every day I’m told to fuck off and die – twenty plus years ago I’d expect it….now, not so much.

After the last occurrence, I sat in silence removing the chatter of the outside world, connected with Source, and that’s when I heard, “You’re not going to be everyone’s cup of tea but the seeds have been planted.” it’s true, not everyone is going to like me and that’s okay and not everyone is going to receive or hear what I have to say in the way that it was intended and that’s okay as well I just have to know that their higher self received the message and that’s all that matters.

When rejection looms

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Rejection sucks. It’s just that simple – I take that back rejection fucking sucks. The feeling of not being worthy enough plays a monumental part to one’s psychological well being and if you aren’t strong enough to pull yourself through the rejection of a spouse, lover, parent, sibling, friend or a social environment it can eventually lead to darkness and despair.

My earliest memory of rejection wasn’t on the playground it was in my parent’s bedroom when I was seven years old. I crept into their room just wanting to snuggle up close to my mother and to feel protected and loved but instead I was met with rejection. I was told that there was no room in their bed so instead, I chose to sleep on their bedroom floor all the while thinking that I wasn’t good enough to lay beside either one of my parents.

That moment laid the foundation of how I’d deal with future rejections. Being rejected by my parents as a little girl only set the tone of how I’d deal with feeling unworthy, unloved, not good enough, overlooked, and discarded as an adult. When my relationships ended in betrayals, toxic behavior, ghosting then, of course, that deep-rooted memory of my first rejection was bound to resurface.

At times I found myself exhausted by the pain of yet another rejection. The hurt encompassing my whole being while the whispers from the past found themselves front and center saying, “You’re not worthy of great love, you’re not good enough, I told you no one would want you.” but it wasn’t until I was ghosted by what I thought was a beautiful love that I had an awakening of sorts. I admit the sting of that rejection sent me to a dark place, here was a man who opened up and shared parts of himself that he didn’t have the courage to share with anyone else, we had a magnetic connection, he made promises and declared his unwavering love for me but then – poof, he disappeared.

I had to choose to either continue to live in the pain of the rejection and abandonment of a past love or to learn from the experience and grow from it. I decided to not be held captive to the pain but instead, I saw this as an opportunity for self-growth. I began to see rejection as my teacher and to find wisdom in the healing.

I first started with changing my story of how I saw rejection and abandonment. I had to see that moment when I was seven years old  with the eyes of an adult instead of that as a child. I began to heal my inner child and focus on relearning on how to love myself regardless of past hurts. My perception of life, in general, changed when I chose to no longer allow the cowardly or toxic behaviors of others to influence how I react.

It took me a while to come to a place where a person’s opinion or actions toward me don’t define who I am and I remind myself every day that my self-worth doesn’t depend on anybody else. Most importantly, rejections will happen but it doesn’t have to hold me back.

To all the men that I’ve ever loved.

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To all the men that I’ve ever loved, I want to wish you a Happy Valentine’s day.

I hope that the years have treated you kindly and that during this time apart that you’ve learned empathy, compassion, kindness, and have grown to be a more honest and loyal partner.

My only wish for today is that she isn’t neglected like I was when I was with you and instead she experiences love rather than heartbreak, laughter instead of tears. That you acknowledge her attempts at making you feel desired and adored rather than cast her aside making her feel unworthy and small. That she is comforted by the warmth of your embrace instead of the iciness of your stare. I hope she gets to hear whispers of how much you love and adore her than to experience the sharpness of your tongue which will leave wounds so deep that will last for many years.

Please be mindful of her heart.

How setting boundaries uncovered a faux friendship.

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Setting boundaries are extremely healthy for one’s overall state of being and if you’re told otherwise then truly consider the source. Healthy boundaries not only will shed light on whom those lines were created, but you will also be able to see if the person truly respects you and your boundaries.

Julie and I have been friends for over seven years, we bonded over our failing marriages, past lovers and life traumas. For years we fueled one another’s bad choices and spent too much time giving energy to things that we shouldn’t. It was a perfect friendship.
Here’s the thing about toxic friendships you don’t know that they are anything but wonderful until you are knee-deep in a cesspool full of drama and negativity.

Recently, I began to take notice of how I felt after our lengthy conversations which for the most part was just me listening to her cry or panic over an ex-lover, rant about the townspeople who happen to be her old classmates from fifty years ago or her inability to move on from the past. I began to see that it was the same story, the same meltdown, the same need for attention.

When negativity became the relationship’s defining characteristic, it becomes a toxic friendship, which meant that it was time to analyze where the relationship was going as well as what I was going to do about it.

Eventually, it was time that I had to get off the merry-go-round her meltdowns were all-consuming so I gathered the courage to tell her just how I felt and that I needed her to refrain from talking about her ex-lover. At first, she was hurt by my request but I had to explain that it seemed that anything would send her into a full-blown meltdown which she somehow connected to him. She understood and honored my request.

The phone no longer rings and my calls are ignored. I drew the line and the one thing that would send her over the edge she no longer could talk about. I refused to fuel the fires of her toxic behavior. I was reminded the other day that the difference from her and me is that I removed myself from the toxicity and now was cognizant of how living negatively and staying stuck affects my overall state of being. I don’t for one minute regret standing behind my boundaries and honoring what I need to maintain a healthy balance between my mind, body, and soul.

Your children deserve better – Divorce is…..okay.

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Children are so incredibly observant their brilliant young minds pick up everything, they mimic our actions, words and unfortunately our behavior. It’s not until many years later when they get older we yell at them for either being too much like their father or like their mother. The sting of our shouts resonating deep within their mind, body, and soul staying way into their adulthood.

I had children quite early by 22 I was already pregnant with my third child. My marriage to their father, needless to say, was quite toxic but he wasn’t the only one who flung out acts of toxicity. I contributed to the mess as well but while we both fought to be heard while learning the fundamentals of marriage while growing up ourselves, the ones who paid the price of all the bickering, abuse, and crappy behavior were our children.

My oldest was five years old when she turned to me one afternoon and told me off, the words she used was that of her father. That was a huge wake-up call. But it didn’t matter if her father and I took our battles into another room our tone still echoed to those impressionable ears. My coldness towards their father was noted as well as his absence throughout the week.

I knew that taking them out of that situation would be best for all of us. It wasn’t fair to our children to continue to witness their parents be unloving, cold and childish toward one another. Staying in a loveless marriage was no longer an option. Staying just for the kids was no longer going to be an excuse that would come out of my mouth. It was time for a change, plus our children deserved better. They deserved better examples. Better memories. They needed a better, us.

This past weekend I asked my oldest daughter (now 28) how she perceived my marriage to her father. I wanted to know if she remembered the harsh words, the ugliness or our behavior and for the most part how did she feel during that time.

Her perception was eye-opening, her truth was to be commended. She told me that although she didn’t recall any “words” she remembered the arguing. It confused her many times when she’d hear us laughing from the other room then it having it elevated to arguing. She recalled good times but for the most part, she remembered the not so good parts……but she also didn’t really know that our marriage was in shambles until we no longer lived under the same roof.

She realizes that everything that came after was that of being a product of divorce but she was thankful that we did divorce. She realized at a young age that she didn’t want to have children early, she wanted to find a partner that would go the distance and she wanted to have a stable career.

Sure, her father and I made many mistakes but moving on from our marriage and divorcing wasn’t one of them. I see many people staying in their toxic, loveless marriage just for the sake of the children or they are afraid of what the future might hold. All I can say to you is stop with the excuses. Like it or not, your children are a product of their environment ….. you can think you are shielding them from the coldness and hateful behavior of your spouse but they can see their behavior as well as how you are allowing it to take place.

You deserve better.

Most importantly,

Your children deserve better.

Signs that you are having a spiritual awakening.

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One of my favorite authors and spiritualist Deepak Chopra says that an awakening happens when you are no longer living in a dream world where you filter everything through your ego and focusing on the future and the past. Instead, you have an almost simultaneous awareness of your individual self and the connection between that and everything else.

I also believe that an awakening occurs when we finally put away the labels, beliefs and ideas that have been programmed into us and wake up to the truth of who we are and all we’re capable of.

 

Signs that you’re having a spiritual awakening

  • You have this inner desire to disconnect, rest and spend time alone. Being totally comfortable with being present.
  • You yearn for deep authentic connection and won’t settle for anything less.
  • All fear decreases as you becomes more awakened. This might be due to the lack of attachment. Your own demise seems less tragic when you focus on living in the present and stop worrying so much about the future or regretting the past.
  • You’ve outgrown and moved on from relationships that you’ve had for  many years.
  • You’re being pulled to learn more about different aspects of spirituality through mentors, books and podcasts. You also will develop a hungry desire for a deeper understanding of who you are and why you’re here
  • You want to open the eyes of others around you by sharing your healing abilities so that they to can also awaken.
  • Inner peace.
  • A deep connection to Source/Universal/God energy.

 

My journey towards awakening started many years ago  and the more that I removed myself from toxic situations, friendships and relationships the more that I began to see life in a totally different way. I soon realized that when I distanced myself from the chaos and chatter of the outside world that I was able to hear my internal beacon (intuition) and Source energy (God) and guides so clearly. I put my total faith in the hands of God/Universe/Source and I never looked back because if I’m being honest life has been beautiful ever since.

Don’t get me wrong life happens and even those that have gone or are still going through their spiritual awakening will have days that are awful but that’s life. We are human. We fuck up but the difference is when you have experienced your own awakening you don’t want to stay stuck in that low vibration place, you recognize the screw up or bad behavior, you acknowledge your error, you step away from ego and into a higher vibrational sense of just being.

Awakening doesn’t happen overnight, you can’t just get your chakras aligned and boom you’re awaken. It’s not that simple. In many cases people experience a moment in their life that shakes them up and disrupts their life,  it could be a traumatic experience, an ending to a relationship, a loss or something much greater. It’s a moment in your life when you are completely humbled by a greater source and you have to make a choice. You can’t fool God/Source……you’re either all in or you’re not.  When you make the decision to be all in just be prepared for some major changes, deep core healing and to face your demons head on.

Trust me though, it’s so fucking worth it.