Welcome the Unwelcome

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Coming to terms with what we find in ourselves can be painful. But if we can learn to sit with the raw pain of that self-discovery – if we can sit with and bear the uncomfortable feeling – that itself will soften our heart. It can makes us more humble. Because all of us are really quite vulnerable, when we speak to others unskillfully – from our reactivity- it’s all to easy to open up wounds.

~ Pema Chodren

Our lives have been altered with many of us still working from home while others have been given the green light to return while some have lost their jobs entirely. Uncertainty, fear, and this new change has many of us drowning in depression grasping at the last bit of hope while consuming ourselves with news reports hoping that our city reopens the places that once brought joy, peace, and that feeling of being grounded and rooted by Mother Nature.

A couple of weeks ago I allowed fear to overcome me with no word of when unemployment would take effect and knowing that my stimulus check was going elsewhere I broke down. In one moment I was flooded with deep-seeded negative emotions. I vented. I said things in anger – I simply allowed everything that I had grown to learn in the past three years to slip away in that one moment of fear.

But after the tears and after the brief breakdown a sense of calm washed over me. That’s when I told myself that I’m human and I acknowledged my fear. The fear of lack. The fear of loss of wages and the many what if’s that were now crossing my mind.  “Have you ever been without?” my Divine guide asked. I sat in silence and recalled the many times that God, Spirit, the Universe took care of me in times of need. I was reminded that it’s okay to cry, to be in the moment of my emotions but that I needed to change the momentum of my present story…..the story of fear, the story of being without, the story of the past, the story of failure, because I knew staying in this place of fear, sadness and remembrance of the past that it was shifting my vibration to a lower frequency. I was reminded that everything was going to be okay and it was….. 

The Tibetan Buddhist nun Pema Chodron once said, “When we speak from our own vulnerable good heart, what comes out of our mouth is more likely to be healing than divisive. Instead of making others feel bad about themselves, our speech can help them connect to what is best within themselves.”  What a profound statement but what if we take this and turn it towards ourselves? So many of us right now our turning on ourselves in this time of seclusion and isolation. We need to remember that even though “our” world has changed Mother Earth needed to heal, we needed to heal. The best time for reflection is when there is silence. So during this time that we’ve been removed from the chaos and the noise of the outside world sit and honor yourself. We have been given time to just be present in our own life. To focus on what we always said we’d do if only we had time. 

I could have stayed in a place of sadness, I could have turned on myself and drowned myself in horrible names for reacting the way that I did when I was in a place of fear and anger but that’s what FEAR wants us to do. To keep us prisoner in a dark, cold place deep within in our mind. I wasn’t going to allow that to happen again and neither should you.

Do you want to be fears bitch or do you want to make fear YOUR bitch? I know which one I’m choosing. During this time remember your power, remember your grace, but most importantly remember you are love. Do me a favor and go to your favorite place and just be present in the silence and honor your breath, honor your life, honor your journey…….honor YOU.

This is my favorite place where I get lost in the clouds above or the stars that blanket the nights sky. It’s where find my peace when our world is healing. 

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The power of love is here now
The power of now is here now
The power of you and me is here
To create magic on earth

Let the water wash away your tears
Let the fire burn away your fears
Let the wind blow into your life such faith and trust
Let the earth hold you, take care of you and nurture you.

~ Alexia Chellun

 

 

 

 

 

 

Invest in the one that matters – YOU

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Why is it that so many of us choose to stay with our partner out of a sense of duty or obligation even when it’s riddled with toxicity, dysfunction or lack of an emotional connection? I’m guilty of this, there have been many times that I didn’t want anyone to know that my happily ever after’s were more like the hell of my own making so I sugarcoated the shit out of my situations and plastered a smile on my face.

But, unlike many of whom I’ve spoken to on this subject, it seems as though my ability to live in a chaotic environment has an expiration date of – five years. To be honest I have yoga pants that have lasted longer than most of my relationships.

Recently a beautiful soul reached out to me and expressed that she feels a sense of hopelessness in her forty-year marriage and thought that maybe it would be better for her to be put on medication to handle her depression and sadness due to her constant struggles in her marriage. “I’ve invested over forty years,” she said.

Invested. There’s that word again. Marriage isn’t an investment. It’s a union between two people who love one another, who encourage each other to be the best versions of themselves, to feel safe enough to be vulnerable and be our authentic self without the feelings of judgment. 

You invest in land, stocks or your crystal collection. A loving relationship goes deeper than how much time one has served in a marriage. That’s another term I often hear – time served, if you start referring to your relationship as a jail sentence than there’s a need for some self-reflection.

When we live our life out of duty, or obligation, fear of judgment, we are not living authentically, we are not living ‘freely’ and we lose ourselves.

When I was married to the wasband the chaos under his roof was often times maddening that I went to many lengths just to numb myself from feeling pain, sadness, and fear. I self-medicated myself just to get through the day, to get through the toxic moments. It didn’t matter how well I performed in our marriage it seemed as if I could never met his approval. 

How the fuck did you get here? 

Many moments led to my decision to finally choose me instead of living in a loveless  marriage. I stopped making excuses for my unhappiness. I realized that I deserved a life free of the bullshit, free of the tears, free of fear, free of the ongoing emotional abuse. Most of all, I had to not worry about what others were going to think. It was just time to become my hero in my story.

Since my divorce I’ve learned that it’s not selfish to invest in your mental well-being. It’s not selfish to want to set boundaries and it’s sure as hell not selfish to live an authentic life and stand behind your voice. 

My wish is for you to realize that you can live a life free of the bullshit. Many of us feel that we failed not only ourselves but others around us if we choose to end a long term relationship but that’s so far from the truth. Look – you have been in a far longer relationship with yourself and it’s time you see that. It’s time to feel worthy again and start showing yourself what love and life is all about without the constraints of a toxic partner. 

I have faith in you. 

You’re not everyone’s cup of tea.

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When I’m guided by source energy to reach out to someone that I’d rather not speak to I do my best to ignore the request. Deep down I know that there has to be a very good reason behind Source/God/Universe wanting me to extend an olive branch to someone of my past. I also know without hesitation that anytime that I am directed that there is something deeper than what it may look like on the surface. I also know what happens when I try to ignore the direction from spirit – let me just say…..it’s not very pleasant.

In recent years, I have been able to discern whether the message I am to deliver is ego-driven (coming from self) spun with my own not so nice niceties or that of a higher source. Sometimes those fly by the seat of my pants no filter comments are better received than those words of wisdom, accolades or advice that I have been guided to give which mind you usually take me a few days to deliver due to me hoping that Source/God/Guides will forget. They won’t. I know this.

This past month I have been blocked on social media and told to “Fuck off and die lady.” these were two separate occasions after two separate requests by Source, by two people who once thought highly of me –  one used to say that I was the love of his life and the other said that I was an angel sent by God.

Yeah, I know that angel comment was a bit of a stretch.

The messages that I gave were given with love, compassion, and filled with light but how they were received was of a lower vibration fueled by ego, hate, and ignorance. At first, I felt slighted, hurt and shocked by how they both responded to the message plus, it’s not every day I’m told to fuck off and die – twenty plus years ago I’d expect it….now, not so much.

After the last occurrence, I sat in silence removing the chatter of the outside world, connected with Source, and that’s when I heard, “You’re not going to be everyone’s cup of tea but the seeds have been planted.” it’s true, not everyone is going to like me and that’s okay and not everyone is going to receive or hear what I have to say in the way that it was intended and that’s okay as well I just have to know that their higher self received the message and that’s all that matters.

How setting boundaries uncovered a faux friendship.

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Setting boundaries are extremely healthy for one’s overall state of being and if you’re told otherwise then truly consider the source. Healthy boundaries not only will shed light on whom those lines were created, but you will also be able to see if the person truly respects you and your boundaries.

Julie and I have been friends for over seven years, we bonded over our failing marriages, past lovers and life traumas. For years we fueled one another’s bad choices and spent too much time giving energy to things that we shouldn’t. It was a perfect friendship.
Here’s the thing about toxic friendships you don’t know that they are anything but wonderful until you are knee-deep in a cesspool full of drama and negativity.

Recently, I began to take notice of how I felt after our lengthy conversations which for the most part was just me listening to her cry or panic over an ex-lover, rant about the townspeople who happen to be her old classmates from fifty years ago or her inability to move on from the past. I began to see that it was the same story, the same meltdown, the same need for attention.

When negativity became the relationship’s defining characteristic, it becomes a toxic friendship, which meant that it was time to analyze where the relationship was going as well as what I was going to do about it.

Eventually, it was time that I had to get off the merry-go-round her meltdowns were all-consuming so I gathered the courage to tell her just how I felt and that I needed her to refrain from talking about her ex-lover. At first, she was hurt by my request but I had to explain that it seemed that anything would send her into a full-blown meltdown which she somehow connected to him. She understood and honored my request.

The phone no longer rings and my calls are ignored. I drew the line and the one thing that would send her over the edge she no longer could talk about. I refused to fuel the fires of her toxic behavior. I was reminded the other day that the difference from her and me is that I removed myself from the toxicity and now was cognizant of how living negatively and staying stuck affects my overall state of being. I don’t for one minute regret standing behind my boundaries and honoring what I need to maintain a healthy balance between my mind, body, and soul.

Your children deserve better – Divorce is…..okay.

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Children are so incredibly observant their brilliant young minds pick up everything, they mimic our actions, words and unfortunately our behavior. It’s not until many years later when they get older we yell at them for either being too much like their father or like their mother. The sting of our shouts resonating deep within their mind, body, and soul staying way into their adulthood.

I had children quite early by 22 I was already pregnant with my third child. My marriage to their father, needless to say, was quite toxic but he wasn’t the only one who flung out acts of toxicity. I contributed to the mess as well but while we both fought to be heard while learning the fundamentals of marriage while growing up ourselves, the ones who paid the price of all the bickering, abuse, and crappy behavior were our children.

My oldest was five years old when she turned to me one afternoon and told me off, the words she used was that of her father. That was a huge wake-up call. But it didn’t matter if her father and I took our battles into another room our tone still echoed to those impressionable ears. My coldness towards their father was noted as well as his absence throughout the week.

I knew that taking them out of that situation would be best for all of us. It wasn’t fair to our children to continue to witness their parents be unloving, cold and childish toward one another. Staying in a loveless marriage was no longer an option. Staying just for the kids was no longer going to be an excuse that would come out of my mouth. It was time for a change, plus our children deserved better. They deserved better examples. Better memories. They needed a better, us.

This past weekend I asked my oldest daughter (now 28) how she perceived my marriage to her father. I wanted to know if she remembered the harsh words, the ugliness or our behavior and for the most part how did she feel during that time.

Her perception was eye-opening, her truth was to be commended. She told me that although she didn’t recall any “words” she remembered the arguing. It confused her many times when she’d hear us laughing from the other room then it having it elevated to arguing. She recalled good times but for the most part, she remembered the not so good parts……but she also didn’t really know that our marriage was in shambles until we no longer lived under the same roof.

She realizes that everything that came after was that of being a product of divorce but she was thankful that we did divorce. She realized at a young age that she didn’t want to have children early, she wanted to find a partner that would go the distance and she wanted to have a stable career.

Sure, her father and I made many mistakes but moving on from our marriage and divorcing wasn’t one of them. I see many people staying in their toxic, loveless marriage just for the sake of the children or they are afraid of what the future might hold. All I can say to you is stop with the excuses. Like it or not, your children are a product of their environment ….. you can think you are shielding them from the coldness and hateful behavior of your spouse but they can see their behavior as well as how you are allowing it to take place.

You deserve better.

Most importantly,

Your children deserve better.

Signs that you are having a spiritual awakening.

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One of my favorite authors and spiritualist Deepak Chopra says that an awakening happens when you are no longer living in a dream world where you filter everything through your ego and focusing on the future and the past. Instead, you have an almost simultaneous awareness of your individual self and the connection between that and everything else.

I also believe that an awakening occurs when we finally put away the labels, beliefs and ideas that have been programmed into us and wake up to the truth of who we are and all we’re capable of.

 

Signs that you’re having a spiritual awakening

  • You have this inner desire to disconnect, rest and spend time alone. Being totally comfortable with being present.
  • You yearn for deep authentic connection and won’t settle for anything less.
  • All fear decreases as you becomes more awakened. This might be due to the lack of attachment. Your own demise seems less tragic when you focus on living in the present and stop worrying so much about the future or regretting the past.
  • You’ve outgrown and moved on from relationships that you’ve had for  many years.
  • You’re being pulled to learn more about different aspects of spirituality through mentors, books and podcasts. You also will develop a hungry desire for a deeper understanding of who you are and why you’re here
  • You want to open the eyes of others around you by sharing your healing abilities so that they to can also awaken.
  • Inner peace.
  • A deep connection to Source/Universal/God energy.

 

My journey towards awakening started many years ago  and the more that I removed myself from toxic situations, friendships and relationships the more that I began to see life in a totally different way. I soon realized that when I distanced myself from the chaos and chatter of the outside world that I was able to hear my internal beacon (intuition) and Source energy (God) and guides so clearly. I put my total faith in the hands of God/Universe/Source and I never looked back because if I’m being honest life has been beautiful ever since.

Don’t get me wrong life happens and even those that have gone or are still going through their spiritual awakening will have days that are awful but that’s life. We are human. We fuck up but the difference is when you have experienced your own awakening you don’t want to stay stuck in that low vibration place, you recognize the screw up or bad behavior, you acknowledge your error, you step away from ego and into a higher vibrational sense of just being.

Awakening doesn’t happen overnight, you can’t just get your chakras aligned and boom you’re awaken. It’s not that simple. In many cases people experience a moment in their life that shakes them up and disrupts their life,  it could be a traumatic experience, an ending to a relationship, a loss or something much greater. It’s a moment in your life when you are completely humbled by a greater source and you have to make a choice. You can’t fool God/Source……you’re either all in or you’re not.  When you make the decision to be all in just be prepared for some major changes, deep core healing and to face your demons head on.

Trust me though, it’s so fucking worth it. 

 

Being a life coach isn’t for everyone.

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In the past few months, I’ve been approached by clients, friends, and patients all suggesting that I should become a life coach.  A life coach….me?  sure, I have plenty of life experience. I definitely can relate when one’s life is on a downward spiral and I most certainly can see red flags and weed through the bullshit but honestly do I have the ability and patience to help guide someone through their life and their chaos while maintaining an emphatic heart?

I remember when I was a little girl sitting alongside my mother, watching Marlena on Days of Our Lives, I wanted to be just like her helping others sift through their troubles, years later when I was in my teens and had a few sessions with a therapist I knew just from my first session that I without a doubt wanted to be better than the son of a bitch who was sitting across from me telling me what an awful child I was.

But life happens and that road was never traveled.

What you DO need is your story, a passion to help others, the ability to provide a safe space, and the courage to be authentically and uniquely you.

I have a story. I have many stories actually….. tales of hardship, heart break, dealing with the three D’s darkness, depression, and divorce. I have stories of strength and finding my true authentic self while wading through  old wounds, inner demons and fear. I have tales of triumph and just fucking making it but is that enough? Do I have the ability to listen and be emphatic? Many say yes while I shoot them a condescending look.

I’ve realized most recently that my patience has an expiration date and that’s about five years. Earlier this month I snapped at a very dear friend, my patience had run out in regards to a topic that she so desperately clung onto for over five years. In the past, I’d listen, offer wisdom and sometimes I’d offer kick ass – no bullshit advice but this time, this time I told her that I was getting off the roller coaster and leaving the amusement park regarding this topic. I couldn’t hear any more about this person she so desperately missed. It was borderline obsessive and toxic. What frustrated me the most was that everything I had said seemed to fall on deaf ears but it just wasn’t me…….it seemed that the tools she was learning from therapy or books she read would inspire her for a brief moment but the memory of this man kept taking her under. Enough was enough for her and I.  It was then that I set some very solid boundaries.

Did I feel bad afterward, of course. Did I feel like a complete douche bag when I realized that I just laid into her on her birthday that I fucking forgot, yes …totally one hundred and one percent.  But I couldn’t take it back, I didn’t want to. I meant everything that I had said and going back and changing my tone or my words would give less validity to everything that I had said.

She told me this morning that she needed to hear everything that I had said for her to move forward in the next chapter of her life. It had to come from me, no one else and that I had the guts to do it. Yes, I was harsh and yes I hurt her feelings but she saw that I had to do it.

From my research on life coaching, I’ve found that I couldn’t tell someone to get off the roller coaster, or that their actions are toxic. I have to offer a safe space for them to just be.  I have to listen and show empathy…..which I can do, to a point. The one misconception I had was that if you’re a life coach than shouldn’t your life be somewhat on point but I soon realized how unfair that assumption was. We are human, we have shitty crappy days and life happens.

It’s like when I get push back from people about me living a more spiritual, holistic lifestyle but write what I write or how I am vocal about my stance on boundaries and living a less toxic lifestyle. Yes, I’m a Reiki Master but that doesn’t mean that I can’t cuss or have bad days……what it means is that I am human but from all that I’ve learned through my journey on becoming a Reiki Master is that I will continue to be resilient, to honor my voice, to fully see when I need to check my behavior, to continue to heal, to live life to the fullest while maintaining healthy boundaries and to live life the best way that I can.

In all truthfulness, I think I will place life coaching on the shelf for right now. I have so much on my plate at the moment with working seventy hours a week, taking an online course in anatomy, completing my novel and still seeing Reiki clients.

Maybe one day……..but for now I love my journey at the moment.

I’m finally fulfilled and I did it.

No one else. 

 

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I’m on board — but

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I love this message but —

Yes, there’s always a but. See, I don’t have an issue with taking chances for love or for my own sanity. I’ve made some real ballsy moves in the past twenty years for love and looking back I always threw caution to the wind never really having an issue with taking that giant leap of faith without giving two shits of whether or not the foundation underneath me was secure. I believed in love as well as the person who claimed to love (like) me……and therein lies the problem my friends.

I know loving someone comes with risks and there’s absolutely no guarantee  of a happily ever after but what I always anticipate or hope for is that the person that I’m involved with would be one hundred percent available…..even before the love stuff begins to percolate. It’s a simple request.

The men that I happened to find myself tangled up with had a few things in common…… for now though I’m going to focus on one thing that they had in common and that being I was always their runner up…..their first choice either moved on, saw through the bullshit or was worn down and had enough. Now, I didn’t know right away that I was their second choice and that deep down their heart desired someone else. I normally found out during a drunken omission or happened upon a declaration of their love to the other person in the form of a letter or a blog focused just on their obsession aka….the one that got away.

I have always tried to see things from their perspective, taking into account their long history, I mean it’s only human to hold onto certain memories of the past but what if those memories start to take on a life of its very own? At times I felt like I was in competition with a flipping ghost and how could I possible compete with that?

I couldn’t. I wouldn’t.

If you think that the only way to get over someone is to replace them with another then you’re being selfish. Yes, selfish. You’re not thinking of the replacement, you’re not thinking of their heart, mind and overall feelings. You’re just thinking of ….. yourself. Looking back I only wish that they had dealt with their own shit before bringing me onto their wild ride. It would have saved me time, it would have saved me money, it would have saved me from emotional turmoil.

Even though I’ve had a rocky time when it comes to love it hasn’t deterred me from keeping my heart open to possibilities, sure it has slowed me down and I now walk with caution instead of once upon a time throwing caution to the wind. I now prefer landing on solid ground instead of sinking into a pit of nothingness. But there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

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Now……I know without a doubt that there will be certain people from my past who will read this post and comment about us giving it another go and let me just stop you right there before you place your finger tips to your keyboard. Let me just say that there isn’t enough money, gold, rainbows or xanex on this planet or any other planet in this universe that will even get me to even reconsider going down that rabbit hole with you. I see your comments that you leave and no amount of blocking has given you the hint.  I will continue to honor my boundaries and my sanity…….plus, one of you came onto my daughter multiple times —– you sir are a vile human being. 

Moving forward from D-Day

D-day.

That’s the term the betrayed community uses to reference the day all hell broke loose within their marriage, the lies and deceit lay open to be picked apart, analyzed and dissected until there is nothing left but two emotionally drained souls.

1 year, 5 months, 3 days and 15 seconds or 3 years, 4 months, 2 days and 45 seconds ….. some really go the distance to track the moment the deceit was uncovered. I have often wondered if the betrayed has a timer on their phone tracking the very hour but does the clock restart every time their spouse slips up? but in all seriousness ….. why do you need a damn anniversary to remind you of the day life turned to shit? Are you two going to get all dressed up, head to a fancy restaurant and clink your glasses to the promise of another year of your significant other being able to keep their pants on?

I understand the significance behind the term, but why that name? why not something else because when I hear or see the term D-Day I think of June 6, 1944 during World War II when Allied forces invaded northern France on the beaches in Normandy. Are we as the betrayed saying that the other woman or other man is as significant as that moment in time? I think not. Sure, there was an invasion but it takes two people to cheat, not one. Remember that. I’m surprised how spouses just let the guilty husband or wife off so easy and continue to chastise and destroy the other person. Do I have to remind you that your beloveded wasn’t forced to cheat…..they did it willingly. WILLINGLY. In that moment when lines were crossed YOU didn’t exist. You, the person who washes their soiled underwear, you…the person who scrapes the ice off their window in -15 weather so that they don’t have to.

Often when I come across blogs or even tweets that highlight the day that shook up their life somewhere within their statement they talk about moving forward yet they hang on tightly to the day of deception like it was a flotation device saving them from drowning. If one is truly ready to move forward, one has to let go of the reminder of that day. I know it’s easier to hang on to the hate, anger and leverage………..yes, leverage. How many of you have used your partners deception against them after you agreed to move forward?

How dare you watch that game on t.v…….you promised to spend time with me, remember……you’re the one who cheated.

You can’t disagree with me, you cheated …remember?

We are going to my families house for the holidays, don’t argue….remember you’re the one who cheated.

Moving forward is moving forward. Forgiveness is forgiveness.

These communities should encourage growth and ways to move past the hurt not jump on the bandwagon and fuel the hate and anger. The hurt will linger there is no set expiration date but healing happens when you truly want to heal.

Remove yourself from groups that fuel your hate and anger. That’s toxic.

Deactivate your spy account on twitter, facebook and instagram. You don’t need to stalk the other woman, other man or your partner. That’s toxic.

Go to counseling. Yes, you weren’t the one that did the deed but learning some healthy tools to get you through some tough days is being proactive.

But, if you can’t move past the hate, anger or deception and years have passed then you have to look within. If you can’t truly reconcile with your spouse than it would probably be better for you two to go your separate ways. Stop playing the Martyr to your marriage. You do have a choice.

Expectations

As children we first learn of the word expectation from our parents….well, we probably didn’t really understand what it meant when they shouted, “I expect you to be on your best behavior while we are in the store.” but we sure as hell knew that if we didn’t follow through with what our parents expected  us to do we surely had something coming at the end.

Am I right?

“I expect this room to be clean by the time my soap opera is over, I expect that you will be on your best behavior while in church…or else. I expect all these chores to be done before I get home.”

Expectations.

I remember thinking my parents were slave drivers until I went to my best friend’s home and saw 2 pages of rules aka expectations her mother had laid out for her.

From 3:30 – 3:50 I expect the dishes to be washed.

3:51- 4:00 I expect the chickens to be fed.

4:01- 5:00 I expect all the laundry to be folded.

5:01 – 5:30 I expect you to make you and your brother Mac and Cheese. Nothing else.

5:31 – 6:30 I expect all the dishes to be washed and homework started.

and so on.

Now somewhere between my teenage years and my twenties I  got wind of the power of expectations but now in my mid forties the power of expectations has lost it’s luster. We are told to have higher expectations, or that they are just too high, or it’s best not to have any or maybe just a smidgen. It’s like the adult version of Goldilocks and the fucking 3 bears but this time with a hell of a lot of mental masturbation added in just to make it fun. Life. 

As an adult you’re expected to fit into a certain box, behave a certain way. You’re expected to live happily ever after with a loving (and not to mention LOYAL) partner and have children with a dog or two running about. That’s the expectations that we were fed when we were young by our parents, grandparents, stories, movies……….our imagination.

While maneuvering through the many up’s and downs of my own expectations when it comes to those that cross my path I’ve come to realize that I don’t have expectations of others, except to say that I assume all people are good until they have proven to be spineless, untrustworthy, toxic individuals. I’m more interested in how people are, than what I expect them to be. If you ever want to be disappointed by someone, set unrealistic expectations. Of course as you get to know someone you have a sense of what they’re capable of, but what if they are so good at convincing you that what they say or do is truly one hundred percent truth, some how sliding under your bullshit radar. What then?

Is it our fault? their fault? was it because we expected too much or maybe too little? Are we not supposed to believe in human decency anymore?

People with low expectations tend to be in relationships where they are treated poorly, and people with high expectations tend to be in relationships where they are treated well.

This suggests that by having high standards, you are far more likely to achieve the kind of relationship you want than you are by looking the other way and letting things slide. ~  Donald Baucom, psychology professor at the University of North Carolina

To put it another way, not having expectations means you can’t be let down. Being let down means something didn’t measure up to what you expected. So instead of being let down about something, I’d just be unsatisfied with the outcome. That may sound subtle, but it has a distinctly different emotional impact.

Expectations are what let you down, not outcomes. Outcomes just are.

For myself, I never expected to be divorced a third time I assumed that the wasband was telling me the truth and never in a million years did I think he was weaving a tall tale day in and day out until he locked me down. He expected a doting wife (which I was), he expected his coffee made by the time he walked in the house (which it was)…..he expected dinner, sex and more (done, done and triple done). All I expected was for him to be a decent human, to honor his promises. Was that wrong of me?

Hell, looking back at past relationships maybe instead of seducing them with lingerie and my homemade manicotti maybe I should have sat down and had the talk……..no, not about marriage or where the relationship was going…..no, I should have found out if we were even on the same page as far as expectations or no expectations. Considering my track record I’m thinking a mental evaluation should have been part of the program.

Expectations.

It’s difficult not to go into something without a smidge of an expectation but it’s how we react to being let down is ……. well, our doing.

Sure, I can remember a man that captured my heart …..he was smart, witty, we were a great team him and I. He made promises of a future, he made me promise never to leave him, he promised he never would leave either. Promises. Words. He said he’d love me forever …..was I wrong not to believe him? Was it wrong for me to expect him to keep his word……but when he vanished …….or when any of them vanished leaving their broken promises scattered about was that my fault as well ? Maybe so. Probably a lot so.

Expectations.

I’ve learned many lessons when it has come from expectations. I’ve replaced expectations with boundaries. I tread carefully now and follow my gut. This as well as other practices has served me well.