Years ago, I refused to acknowledge the destructive path that I was on as anything close to being toxic. I mean, come on who wants to be told that their behavior was less than stellar or that they were living a very unhealthy lifestyle? An alcoholic doesn’t like to be called out and told that they have a drinking problem and that they should seek treatment. A cheater doesn’t want to be called out on his/her many indiscretions and an abuser will turn his actions around and blame his victim, never pointing the finger at himself.
I didn’t want to outwardly label my actions in a negative manner, but internally I knew change needed to happen if I were to live a life free of the bullshit. Many of us are guilty of not taking ownership of our own wounds. It’s always someone else’s fault. Life is so much easier if we can direct our pain onto someone else, am I right?
I was guilty of being stuck living in the past and I held on tightly to every wrong that was ever done to me which allowed my collection of tears,anger, heartbreak and abuse to accumulate over the years and before long I became a hoarder of my own negative attachments.
For every deception I encountered as an adult I internalized it as not being lovable and unworthy, something that my younger self internalized and processed as not being wanted, loved or good enough. What I learned over the years is that you can try and lock up all the memories of the pain deep down inside but until it’s dealt with and healed you will continue to take the broken pieces of your past and inflict the pain onto yourself and others which will create your very own hell on earth.
“Out of clutter, find simplicity. From discord, find harmony. In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity.” ~ Albert Einstein
In order to heal I needed to stop blaming God/source/universe for my problems. Remember, we have free will and every choice we make is ours and ours alone. I had to work on releasing toxic thoughts, blame, excuses, self-destructive behavior, judgment and my fears.
When you start to truly acknowledge your actions and make an honest change than everything will begin to fall into alignment. I noticed right away that when something or someone didn’t serve me in a positive way, I either looked away or didn’t engage. Seriously, the first few times that I didn’t engage in a toxic way I silently gave myself a high five. It felt flipping amazing.
The biggest hurdle I had to overcome was trust. Putting my faith in God and my spirit guides was easy, trusting the goodness of others…..well, that’s a work in progress. But healing isn’t something that can be done overnight, many of us think that we can wake up one morning and convince ourselves as well as others that we’ve changed just by the words that spill from our lips but it’s the action behind the words that matter, it’s the action that source energy sees and what our gut feels.
For myself, I don’t let the expectations or judgments of others throw me off my goal which is to be in constant alignment with source energy and staying the course. When I knew I’ve moved past the hurt, anger and victim mentality my approach to life changed. I wasn’t out searching for someone to love me because I now loved myself. I no longer was out seeking retribution to those who hurt me because I no longer held onto the pain and most importantly, I know my worth and will never fall into the clutches of an unhealthy, toxic relationship just because I don’t want to be alone.
Every single one of you can do this, I have faith in you. The first step is to truly acknowledge your negative behavior and the next step is action and that can be done by seeking help, writing in a journal, meditating or even energy healing.