Why do so many of us lose our power once we are in a relationship? Why do we willingly hand over our voice to our partner allowing his/her word to be final? When did we go from us being a team to you vs. me?
I know so many women and men who entered into a beautiful loving union where they valued one another, respected and honored their partners opinions, stood behind their dreams while encouraging them that they could conquer any mountain that stood before them. But somewhere between the promise to love one another forever and plans to build a solid foundation one began to overshadow the other devaluing their love’s opinion all the while meticulously silencing them and leaving the other person wondering, how in the world did we get here?
When one loses their place in the relationship many find themselves retreating within and it’s at that moment their picture perfect dream of a fairy tale life gets overshadowed by reality. The person who we once couldn’t live without has now become a stranger just as the person looking back at you while standing in front of a mirror has now become, unrecognizable.
Looking back at some of my past relationships I can see how willingly I gave over my power for the sake of not rocking the boat because after all, I was in love. I can see exactly when my voice no longer mattered and how one particular man carefully weaved together a perfect opportunity in which I felt I had no say in a matter.
He sent me to a beautiful spa in Las Vegas where I spent three fabulous days with one of my dearest friends, “Money is no option…it’s your birthday.” he said as he kissed me good-bye, but when I returned there was no mention of how my trip was but rather he informed me that in two weeks he will be driving to the East coast to pick up his twenty something daughter who decided that she wanted to better her life. When I asked why I wasn’t included in this decision or even how long has this been in the works. He looked at me coldly and said, “I sent you to Vegas so I’m doing this. There will be no discussion on the matter.” and as the airport lights grew further and further away I placed all the memories of my weekend away in the back of my mind and thought, “How the hell did I get here?”
There will come a point that the internal hell you are living is just going to implode. The sadness will be displayed within your eyes, that once beautiful smile will become forced and your tears will stain more than just your pillow.
It’s time to take your power back and the only way to do that is to find your courage, find your strength and most importantly find YOU again. Do you remember the YOU before you handed over your power?
You were opinionated.
You were courageous.
You were ballsy.
You were the life of the party.
You were spunky.
You were YOU.
Trust me, the first few times you take a stand or have an opinion that doesn’t align with your partner you might get shot down. Don’t withdraw and give up. They don’t remember this person, but they will. If your relationship is worth recovering than fight for what used to be. Once upon a time that person you hold onto used to be your best friend, you two use to talk for hours about your dreams for the future.
Speak to one another in a private setting without distractions. If you are anything like me I would get nervous and my words would come out jumbled or I’d forget everything that I wanted to discuss. So, I would write everything down in a letter. I was direct but not harsh. I expressed what I needed from him as well as how I felt. Give it to him to read in private and to reflect on your words without you staring at him or interrupting him.
Seek counseling. Having someone who has no connection to you both and who can offer tools to better communicate and get to the root of the problem is always helpful. But this will only be beneficial if both parties go in with the understanding of being open, honest and 100% in.
In my case, it was all about control for this man but not all was lost. I found courage, I found strength and I found my voice. I chose me and I left a marriage that could not be saved. I don’t regret my decision because the person I became through all that is who I was meant to become and in the end I claimed my power back.
and so can you…..