After a heartbreak many of us are told, “It will be okay.” as we nod silently, but what we really want to do is yell, “WHEN? this fucking hurts. When will this be okay?”
The answer varies for each person but in my case, it took nineteen years, five months, four days and twenty five minutes for everything to make sense.
Sure, the heartbreak wore off many years ago but the why had always lingered only to resurface in the form of a new face and a new reason which always ended in fresh tears.
I always made the break ups about me, my unworthiness. Their deception or choice to leave was excused by me for either being too plain, not good enough, too thin, too fat, not the right religion, too outspoken, not sporty enough, not kinky enough, not the right gender, not lovable, not educated, not worthy. The pain of their choice tore at me, little by little until nothing was left of me.
Years later, those men who left me for a career, life or another woman have always sought me out. Causing undesired chaos in my head. Many now are married or in serious relationships seeking attention from the one person who always placed them up on a pedestal now wanting the love, attention and validation that they once received from me.
Again, I’d revisit old wounds of the past. The unworthiness searing right through my skin. Why now? why am I now important? why am I worthy of your attention, now? why wasn’t I good enough back then?
Seeing their deception for the person they claim to love so clearly angered me and they were met by disgust.
It wasn’t until just recently a man who I dated nineteen years ago was passing through town, his ego still declared attention, his advances obvious. My boundaries, solid and in place but instead of going back to the why’s of the past like I had so many times before, I heard so clearly, “Baby girl don’t you see it now? We told you you’d be okay. There’s a reason why it didn’t work, he wasn’t worthy of your love.” It was the voices of my grandfathers, long deceased but oh so very present.
It was in that moment that those exes who had resurfaced that were married or attached seeking attention from me was to show me that no matter if we had stayed together, they would have never served my heart with love for a lifetime which I deserve. They would have strayed and sought the attention of another. I was saved from the pain, the sorrow and the soul shaking experience of true deception.
I don’t feel bad for these men, they are only driven by ego. I feel bad for their wives and children for they are the ones who are being deceived by a man who claims he’s worthy of their love, loyalty and affection. But he’ll continue to justify his actions just to soothe his soul never batting an eye at the damage he’s causing along the way.
I’m just thankful to see things so clearly now.
I had something so much greater watching out for me all those years ago. It just took me nineteen years, five months, four days and twenty-five minutes to figure it out.