I attended a webinar yesterday on love, no not how to find love or even sustain love in a relationship it was about self-love. We all know the basics of self love but how many of us really do the work behind taking care of our mind, body and soul? Honestly, I’ve kind of been falling short on the body aspect and focusing primarily on the mind and soul part of my self-care regime.
I guess you can say that I prefer mental exhaustion followed up by a nice refreshing nap over the pain one feels after working out. Recently though I hit a plateau, see I’ve been doing the work but I’ve felt that there was something deep down that was still untouched yet I had no idea what. That all changed yesterday when the presenter said, “It’s not your fault. The trauma you experienced was not your fault, the rape was not your fault, the abuse was not your fault. It’s not your mother fucking fault!”
Sure, I’ve told myself that very same thing many times over within the past three years but never have I really given myself permission to feel or believe that statement to be true but in that moment I felt it deep in my heart, the pain that I’ve kept to myself or for better words ignored was now coming to the surface.
“Lean into your rawness, pain is pain, your pain is yours. Where it comes from doesn’t reflect your worthiness.” she continued to say as the tears began to fall from my eyes.
I never allowed myself to truly feel the pain of the night my then husband violated me. To be honest I felt that if I broke down or crumbled I’d be giving him power, control and the sick satisfaction that he broke me.
Months after that night I gained the courage to separate from my husband but as I was still trying to process all that was going on in my life I got wind of what some people thought about me and yet another failed marriage, “She must have done something to cause this, it was probably her fault, I bet she brought this on.” It was those whispers that over shadowed my own voice when I’d tell myself, “It wasn’t my fault.”
Yesterday when the webinar was over I laid down to process all that was said and as I felt my body relax I heard, “It’s not your fault.” over and over but then came the whispers and they only grew louder, “She brought it on herself, she caused the rape, it’s her fault.” and from out of no where I yelled back with passion, “It’s not my fucking fault!” and that’s when the whispers of those that haunted me for years faded away. I felt as though a wave had washed over me but as soon as I came up for air another huge wave took me under in the form of another revelation on love.
It was then I was presented with a question, have you ever felt the pure, authentic, organic love from a partner? and the real honest answer to that would be, no. Sure the men from my past talked a good game, said all the right things, made me believe in possibility of love but I realized for the first time ever that love doesn’t abandon in times of trouble, love doesn’t shut someone out when chaos invades their life, love doesn’t ignore or turn their back on you and most importantly pure, authentic love doesn’t make you feel unworthy, violated or unsafe.
Wave after wave of profound clarity kept crashing into me and soon those waves turned gentle and sent me into a nice relaxing sleep, only to wake up a couple hours later feeling refreshed and ready to hit the next part of my self love, self care, self discovery with renewed loving energy.