One can never know

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The state of my romantic life has been the topic of many conversations recently, my three year hiatus has thrown some people off kilter but I truly don’t find that being without a significant other to be a determent to my overall day to day life.  I know their concern comes from a good place and I appreciate them for being so kind but if I’m being honest every time I finish telling them that, “I’m just focusing on myself.” which I follow up with a “genuine” smile underneath it all lurks the memory of why I’ve chosen not to get involved with anyone and why I’ve decided to keep many at an arms length.  ………… and by many………. I mean men.

The heart is a tricky thing.

My heart is a tricky thing.

I really don’t think that the last man that held the key to my heart truly understands the multitude of what his actions or rather non actions caused on me and my heart. How the words he so charmingly and creatively weaved together just so gave me the sense that it was okay to feel at ease with him and to share the most vulnerable parts of my soul. Holding onto every promise, every declaration of affection and every poetic line he spoke only to see them tarnish in front of my very eyes.

Now the day bleeds
Into nightfall
And you’re not here
To get me through it all
I let my guard down
And then you pulled the rug
I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved  ~ Lewis Capaldi

The love that I once had for him has faded which I thought would never happen but his words still haunt me when acquaintances cross my path and tell me that I should be treated like a queen. Something he would tell me often.  But I don’t want to be treated like a queen, what’s so wrong with being treated like, me.  The way I try and treat myself daily…..with love.

The admiration that I once had for him has slowly dissipated, it took me sometime to see his true self but if I’m being honest there was nothing admirable about his actions toward the end of us.

I sometimes sit and wonder if he even realizes just how destructive he was to one persons heart. The one person who loved him regardless of his skeletons,  loved him without judgment, without reservations.  I wonder just how authentic he really was or if anyone can be truly authentic when it comes to love.

As the day turns into night and my head falls onto my pillow he might cross my mind but just for a brief second ……that’s all my mind and heart will allow when it comes to him before they work as one and send me into the depths of my nights slumber.

 

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