Poly – what?

 

“Only you would find yourself caught up in the mix of a online polyamory, open relationship.”  Carla said to me as we caught up on the comings and goings of our very busy life.

Polyamory: having intimate, loving relationships with multiple people.

Polyamory has the intention of dating other people openly and honestly with a lot of communication involved……and boy, you think having conversations with your significant other was intense just throw in another person to the mix.

A couple of months ago I was propositioned to join a poly couple. Yeah, you read that right. At first this man explained to me that he was in a non-monogamous relationship with another woman and that this lifestyle worked for them. He had been in monogamous relationships before but he wasn’t one who could be faithful to just one woman. I valued his openness and his truth. I expressed to him that with my very busy schedule that dating of any kind wouldn’t work but seeing that he didn’t live in the same state (or did she) I would just see where our very new friendship took us.

This man and I shared many hours of conversation and although his intellect intrigued me I still had many questions regarding this open relationship that he had with this other woman. In the past when a man stated that he was in an open relationship that usually always meant that he was in an open relationship but the woman he was with was completely in the dark about the change in their relationship status. I also was  curious to why he felt the need to bring another person into their relationship. In my mind there had to be something lacking within their relationship…that’s why many go outside their relationship/marriage to fill what is lacking within that union.  He had been with her for two years and yet “I love you” had never been exchanged as well. I thought this to be odd but he weaved his explanations so eloquently that I left it as…..to each his own.

As the weeks went on the conversation of open relationships took a backseat, plus he was still obsessing/mulling/enamored over an ex girlfriend but all things changed one morning when without any warning he started a group online just for him, his partner and myself. He wanted his partner and I to communicate I guess in hopes we would become friends, he also wanted no secrets between us but in some way I felt tossed into a situation that I wasn’t quite sure that I even wanted to be part of.

Soon after things went haywire. Conversations went from not labeling relationships to now they were more leaning towards labeling themselves as a “polyamorous couple” but that things needed to be further discussed. Boundaries. Rules. I now felt as though I was being placed in a box without any say so. I was instructed by his partner not to have any sexual conversations with him until they established more solid rules and more distinct boundaries. And me, being me declined her request. I’m an adult. I wasn’t going to allow two people to control my situation. I was left feeling bewildered – how did we get from fun, laughter, intriguing conversations to this mess of a highly emotional induced shit show?

Author and relationship coach Dedeker Winston said in one of his articles, “There’s definitely an ongoing debate around whether or not hierarchy in relationships is ethical,” she told INSIDER. “Can one person dictate what I am and what I’m allowed to do in another relationship? Is it possible to put caps on how close a person is allowed to get to another person? It starts to bring up a lot of these questions.”

Hour long conversations now turned into five to ten minute check in’s as he mentioned how his partner would be the primary and I would join their relationship as a secondary. He shared how they both found me very attractive and in a way she felt a sense of jealousy and that’s when I cut the conversation short. I made it very clear that I would not engage in sexual activity with her and that even if I was into women that I didn’t find her attractive in that way. He was more than welcome to keep those fantasies ongoing in his head but I would never make them come true.

As the days went on I began to see their dynamic much more clearly and it wasn’t anything that I wanted to be part of. Jealousy and unresolved feelings between them began to emerge. He started spouting off Esther Peril, articles from Psychology Today and what he had learned from his sessions with the Good Doctor. At this point I was really wanting this doc’s phone number because I truly felt that he wasn’t giving her the full story.

If this was a glimpse into what a poly relationship entails –  I wanted no part of it. So I closed the door firmly behind me and dead bolted that thing shut. I was completely done with him, them and the baggage that filled their relationship.

Yet still I was intrigued on the subject and  wanted to know more of this poly world and I found an article by Amy Gahran who writes for Insider. She wrote that she now lives as a solo-polyamorist, meaning she has more than one lover at a time, but leads an independent life and doesn’t consider herself to be part of any couples. She also practices egalitarian polyamory, which means there are no primary or secondary partners in her relationships.

The more and more that I educated myself on the subject I found myself resonating more with Gahran. I love my independent lifestyle and I don’t want that to change if and when I decide to date or take on a lover or two. I realized during my very short experience dealing with a poly/non-mono/open relationship that I didn’t feel jealous of him having another partner. Just as long as I was in the know and I was feeling heard and desired then I was good.

Life is simply what you make of it.

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I’m on board — but

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I love this message but —

Yes, there’s always a but. See, I don’t have an issue with taking chances for love or for my own sanity. I’ve made some real ballsy moves in the past twenty years for love and looking back I always threw caution to the wind never really having an issue with taking that giant leap of faith without giving two shits of whether or not the foundation underneath me was secure. I believed in love as well as the person who claimed to love (like) me……and therein lies the problem my friends.

I know loving someone comes with risks and there’s absolutely no guarantee  of a happily ever after but what I always anticipate or hope for is that the person that I’m involved with would be one hundred percent available…..even before the love stuff begins to percolate. It’s a simple request.

The men that I happened to find myself tangled up with had a few things in common…… for now though I’m going to focus on one thing that they had in common and that being I was always their runner up…..their first choice either moved on, saw through the bullshit or was worn down and had enough. Now, I didn’t know right away that I was their second choice and that deep down their heart desired someone else. I normally found out during a drunken omission or happened upon a declaration of their love to the other person in the form of a letter or a blog focused just on their obsession aka….the one that got away.

I have always tried to see things from their perspective, taking into account their long history, I mean it’s only human to hold onto certain memories of the past but what if those memories start to take on a life of its very own? At times I felt like I was in competition with a flipping ghost and how could I possible compete with that?

I couldn’t. I wouldn’t.

If you think that the only way to get over someone is to replace them with another then you’re being selfish. Yes, selfish. You’re not thinking of the replacement, you’re not thinking of their heart, mind and overall feelings. You’re just thinking of ….. yourself. Looking back I only wish that they had dealt with their own shit before bringing me onto their wild ride. It would have saved me time, it would have saved me money, it would have saved me from emotional turmoil.

Even though I’ve had a rocky time when it comes to love it hasn’t deterred me from keeping my heart open to possibilities, sure it has slowed me down and I now walk with caution instead of once upon a time throwing caution to the wind. I now prefer landing on solid ground instead of sinking into a pit of nothingness. But there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

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Now……I know without a doubt that there will be certain people from my past who will read this post and comment about us giving it another go and let me just stop you right there before you place your finger tips to your keyboard. Let me just say that there isn’t enough money, gold, rainbows or xanex on this planet or any other planet in this universe that will even get me to even reconsider going down that rabbit hole with you. I see your comments that you leave and no amount of blocking has given you the hint.  I will continue to honor my boundaries and my sanity…….plus, one of you came onto my daughter multiple times —– you sir are a vile human being. 

Moving forward from D-Day

D-day.

That’s the term the betrayed community uses to reference the day all hell broke loose within their marriage, the lies and deceit lay open to be picked apart, analyzed and dissected until there is nothing left but two emotionally drained souls.

1 year, 5 months, 3 days and 15 seconds or 3 years, 4 months, 2 days and 45 seconds ….. some really go the distance to track the moment the deceit was uncovered. I have often wondered if the betrayed has a timer on their phone tracking the very hour but does the clock restart every time their spouse slips up? but in all seriousness ….. why do you need a damn anniversary to remind you of the day life turned to shit? Are you two going to get all dressed up, head to a fancy restaurant and clink your glasses to the promise of another year of your significant other being able to keep their pants on?

I understand the significance behind the term, but why that name? why not something else because when I hear or see the term D-Day I think of June 6, 1944 during World War II when Allied forces invaded northern France on the beaches in Normandy. Are we as the betrayed saying that the other woman or other man is as significant as that moment in time? I think not. Sure, there was an invasion but it takes two people to cheat, not one. Remember that. I’m surprised how spouses just let the guilty husband or wife off so easy and continue to chastise and destroy the other person. Do I have to remind you that your beloveded wasn’t forced to cheat…..they did it willingly. WILLINGLY. In that moment when lines were crossed YOU didn’t exist. You, the person who washes their soiled underwear, you…the person who scrapes the ice off their window in -15 weather so that they don’t have to.

Often when I come across blogs or even tweets that highlight the day that shook up their life somewhere within their statement they talk about moving forward yet they hang on tightly to the day of deception like it was a flotation device saving them from drowning. If one is truly ready to move forward, one has to let go of the reminder of that day. I know it’s easier to hang on to the hate, anger and leverage………..yes, leverage. How many of you have used your partners deception against them after you agreed to move forward?

How dare you watch that game on t.v…….you promised to spend time with me, remember……you’re the one who cheated.

You can’t disagree with me, you cheated …remember?

We are going to my families house for the holidays, don’t argue….remember you’re the one who cheated.

Moving forward is moving forward. Forgiveness is forgiveness.

These communities should encourage growth and ways to move past the hurt not jump on the bandwagon and fuel the hate and anger. The hurt will linger there is no set expiration date but healing happens when you truly want to heal.

Remove yourself from groups that fuel your hate and anger. That’s toxic.

Deactivate your spy account on twitter, facebook and instagram. You don’t need to stalk the other woman, other man or your partner. That’s toxic.

Go to counseling. Yes, you weren’t the one that did the deed but learning some healthy tools to get you through some tough days is being proactive.

But, if you can’t move past the hate, anger or deception and years have passed then you have to look within. If you can’t truly reconcile with your spouse than it would probably be better for you two to go your separate ways. Stop playing the Martyr to your marriage. You do have a choice.

Expectations

As children we first learn of the word expectation from our parents….well, we probably didn’t really understand what it meant when they shouted, “I expect you to be on your best behavior while we are in the store.” but we sure as hell knew that if we didn’t follow through with what our parents expected  us to do we surely had something coming at the end.

Am I right?

“I expect this room to be clean by the time my soap opera is over, I expect that you will be on your best behavior while in church…or else. I expect all these chores to be done before I get home.”

Expectations.

I remember thinking my parents were slave drivers until I went to my best friend’s home and saw 2 pages of rules aka expectations her mother had laid out for her.

From 3:30 – 3:50 I expect the dishes to be washed.

3:51- 4:00 I expect the chickens to be fed.

4:01- 5:00 I expect all the laundry to be folded.

5:01 – 5:30 I expect you to make you and your brother Mac and Cheese. Nothing else.

5:31 – 6:30 I expect all the dishes to be washed and homework started.

and so on.

Now somewhere between my teenage years and my twenties I  got wind of the power of expectations but now in my mid forties the power of expectations has lost it’s luster. We are told to have higher expectations, or that they are just too high, or it’s best not to have any or maybe just a smidgen. It’s like the adult version of Goldilocks and the fucking 3 bears but this time with a hell of a lot of mental masturbation added in just to make it fun. Life. 

As an adult you’re expected to fit into a certain box, behave a certain way. You’re expected to live happily ever after with a loving (and not to mention LOYAL) partner and have children with a dog or two running about. That’s the expectations that we were fed when we were young by our parents, grandparents, stories, movies……….our imagination.

While maneuvering through the many up’s and downs of my own expectations when it comes to those that cross my path I’ve come to realize that I don’t have expectations of others, except to say that I assume all people are good until they have proven to be spineless, untrustworthy, toxic individuals. I’m more interested in how people are, than what I expect them to be. If you ever want to be disappointed by someone, set unrealistic expectations. Of course as you get to know someone you have a sense of what they’re capable of, but what if they are so good at convincing you that what they say or do is truly one hundred percent truth, some how sliding under your bullshit radar. What then?

Is it our fault? their fault? was it because we expected too much or maybe too little? Are we not supposed to believe in human decency anymore?

People with low expectations tend to be in relationships where they are treated poorly, and people with high expectations tend to be in relationships where they are treated well.

This suggests that by having high standards, you are far more likely to achieve the kind of relationship you want than you are by looking the other way and letting things slide. ~  Donald Baucom, psychology professor at the University of North Carolina

To put it another way, not having expectations means you can’t be let down. Being let down means something didn’t measure up to what you expected. So instead of being let down about something, I’d just be unsatisfied with the outcome. That may sound subtle, but it has a distinctly different emotional impact.

Expectations are what let you down, not outcomes. Outcomes just are.

For myself, I never expected to be divorced a third time I assumed that the wasband was telling me the truth and never in a million years did I think he was weaving a tall tale day in and day out until he locked me down. He expected a doting wife (which I was), he expected his coffee made by the time he walked in the house (which it was)…..he expected dinner, sex and more (done, done and triple done). All I expected was for him to be a decent human, to honor his promises. Was that wrong of me?

Hell, looking back at past relationships maybe instead of seducing them with lingerie and my homemade manicotti maybe I should have sat down and had the talk……..no, not about marriage or where the relationship was going…..no, I should have found out if we were even on the same page as far as expectations or no expectations. Considering my track record I’m thinking a mental evaluation should have been part of the program.

Expectations.

It’s difficult not to go into something without a smidge of an expectation but it’s how we react to being let down is ……. well, our doing.

Sure, I can remember a man that captured my heart …..he was smart, witty, we were a great team him and I. He made promises of a future, he made me promise never to leave him, he promised he never would leave either. Promises. Words. He said he’d love me forever …..was I wrong not to believe him? Was it wrong for me to expect him to keep his word……but when he vanished …….or when any of them vanished leaving their broken promises scattered about was that my fault as well ? Maybe so. Probably a lot so.

Expectations.

I’ve learned many lessons when it has come from expectations. I’ve replaced expectations with boundaries. I tread carefully now and follow my gut. This as well as other practices has served me well.

Step into your power in 2020

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I’m not one who sets a New Years resolution at the start of every new year. I don’t need the ringing in of a new year to make tweaks or major changes to my life….it’s all about how serious I am about change. How dedicated I am to myself.

Last Friday I went in for a end of the year Reiki treatment and as I walked into the office my Karuna Reiki Master asked me what I would like to release and as I spoke of all that had transpired in December she smiled and said, “Amazing, the universe brought you lessons which you recognized right away. You handled them appropriately and grew from what was placed before you. You’ve come such a long way. You’re beaming… I can see that you’re in a good place.”

As I laid down on her table I reflected on the past year and gave thanks to God/Universe/Spirit for allowing me the ability to connect with them on such a profound, beautiful level. I gave thanks for the lessons that were brought before me. I also set some intentions that I was going to bring in to the new year.

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As I sit here thinking of what I want to bring into 2020….hell why stop there –brand new decade- a smile spreads across my face and a feeling of excitement consumes me.

I’m going to learn to be okay with being misunderstood by others.

Not everyone is going to see things the way that I see them. And that’s okay. I understand that we are people with different views who come from different backgrounds. There will be times that we will have to agree to disagree, but I will still see them with love and respect them.

I will continue to own my story and live an authentic life.

At the beginning of 2018 I made a promise to myself that I was going to own my story and live an authentic life. What I quickly learned is that people wanted to silence or direct my story. Those people learned quickly that I held strong behind my boundaries and they soon faded away.

I’m going to stop doing things that aren’t in alignment with who I truly am.

As hard as it is to say no or go along with something that just doesn’t sit well. I will continue to listen to my intuition and stand up for what I feel is right.

I will nurture the relationships I have.

Although life is extremely busy I will always make time for those that matter. It only takes a few seconds to text a message and there’s always time on my way to and from work to talk to those that matter.

I’m going to do things that I’ve envisioned for my future self.

It’s time to make things happen and I see those requests that I placed out into the universe already coming into fruition.

I will let go of the need to manage other people’s perception of me.

I’ve learned that there will always be those who prefer to see me as the person I was ten, twenty or even thirty years ago. I don’t have the energy to live for those people, I don’t have the energy to continue to try to change the minds of those that truly don’t have any bearing to my life. I’m no longer shaken by rude messages by exes or ex acquaintances…..they can try to tear me down but their need for control or power has no effect on me.

I will only allow those that resonate with my vibration to be part of my life.

Choosing not to entertain those who are toxic, manipulators, bullies and other low vibrational beings is my choice. When I was guided by spirit to become a Reiki Master I instinctively knew that I was in the right place of mind and heart to be a conduit for reiki. I knew that my spirit guides would have never allowed this path to open up if I wasn’t healthy in mind, body and soul.

I am more tuned in then ever before to people who cling to negativity, who are out to bully and condemn. Those who name call or those that are out to control and hurt people. My body reacts in a way that internally I will see and feel their darkness and I have no choice but to back away.

Sure, they see this as me being rude, a bitch, cold or heartless. They see me standing strong behind my convictions as something toxic. This is the game low vibrational people play. I see it. I’m aware of the game. They don’t enjoy not being able to control or have power over high vibrational people…….they pry on the weak minded souls who have been hurt, betrayed or lonely.

I will live and love greatly.

This year is going to be amazing. I am going to throw myself into things that excite me and I will open my mind to learning new things. I will travel. I will place all my faith in God/Universe/Spirit because I know that my life has been so much better since I have. They simply have my back and continue to show me the magnificence that’s behind their universal magic.

I am on the path to truly fulfilling my souls purpose

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Maybe it’s time for some Sexual healing. ~Sacred Intimate – Tantric Healer~

 

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To be honest, when I first heard of sexual healing I couldn’t help but think of the deep soulful voice of Marvin Gaye bringing me into a moment of fantasy filled with intimacy, sex, power and eroticism while he sings one of his all time famous hits Sexual Healing.

As of late the term Sacred Intimate and Tantric Healer has been making their way across my path which obviously peaked my curiosity. I’ve heard of sex therapists but never a sacred intimate, I’ve heard of tantra/tantric but never a tantric healer.

c1bd7dade0cc6840c3b928369c744cbf7724091395105357834.jpgI’ve read that many who have had sexual trauma or abuse, struggle with sex addiction, sexual challenges or have issues with their sexuality do go in search of a Sacred Intimate, Daka(M) / Dakini (F) – a tantric guide– who can provide a template of loving, trustworthy male (or female) sexual touch that can allow women/men to release apprehensions and fears around sexual intimacy. Sexual intimates focus on the body, emotions, eros and spirit.

They approach sexuality with the understanding that it’s related to soul work and to spirituality. They use mindfulness and integrity to help people identify, embrace and practice desire as holy, sexual embodiment as an expression of the soul. They hold the body as scared and view erotic energy as a crucial component of human life and spiritual health. -Don Shewey

This past year has been about me embracing my divine feminine, embracing passion, embracing love, embracing possibilities. Yet when I’ve entertained the thought of a partner I notice that I start becoming anxious at the idea of sharing in an intimate sexual encounter. To some, this might sound bizarre but even though I’ve healed and cleared unwanted energies that clung to me due to events from past relationships one moment in time has sunk its claws deep within and refuses to let go. The the anxiety, the anxiousness, the panic is what keeps me from fully becoming who I am meant to be.

In this case, time doesn’t heal old wounds and what I experienced many years ago at the hands of my ex-husband just keeps showing up unexpectedly.  In one aspect, I am content with being alone but if someone special comes into my life I feel that it’s not another persons job to show me that I can trust in a genuine touch, to show me gentleness, to show me intimacy, it’s no ones responsibility to patch up what was torn apart during a moment of complete and utter evilness.

So, that’s why I feel that finding a sacred intimate or a tantric healer would fully allow for myself to overcome the fear of intimacy and to unleash the sacred goddess that’s trapped within. Before that incident I loved sex, I loved exploring and just being connected and intimate with my partner. I want to be that person again – I long to be that person again. But there’s just so many different modalities and tantric healers out there that I will definitely do my research before I dive into fully allowing myself to succumb to the touch of another.

If you are looking for serious healing, or if you are a serious student of tantra, you want a serious teacher. There are quite a few “hobbyist” practitioners out there… men who have done some training (or in some unfortunate cases, have only read an article that described yoni massage), but never committed to this as a profession. Not being devoted to tantra as a vocation doesn’t mean a practitioner isn’t fully qualified, but it is a warning sign that they might not be ready for a more challenging session.

A Tantric massage is the centerpiece of tantric healing. This is a perfect choice for those seeking pleasure and relaxation. It is often a useful modality for learning more about your body, about subtle energy, and about your potential for pleasure, connection, and intimacy. This can include traditional massage, but also sensual touch and, depending on the practitioner’s style, some combination of energy movement, guidance around mindfulness, and coaching of breath, sound, or motion. The usual expectation is there will be intimate touch (at least external, and optionally internal) and the sexual energy that accompanies it. However, this is not always the case: some dakas and dakinis use sexual energy without sexual touch as a rule. A true daka or dakini will include practices involving energy, breath, gaze, sounding or mindfulness as part of the session.

A Tantric Healing is often another term for tantric massage. When someone in the tantra world talks about a “healing session,” they generally mean a particular flavor of tantric massage. The difference is in the intention of healing — which can encompass physical, emotional, energetic or spiritual healing. Tantric healing often uses sexual energy as a healing tool, but can include a much broader range of energy and shamanic work.

A Yoni Massage, “Lingam Massage are massages involving intimate touch. ‘Yoni’ is a tantric term for the female genitalia, ‘lingam’ for the male. They are not necessarily separate experiences from a tantric massage, but they may indicate more emphasis on the intimate touch.

An Awakening session is directed to those who have struggled with discovering their true sexual selves and want to explore their desires in greater detail.

So, well see ….. but for those that are interested in learning more just search online but follow your gut. Not all sexual intimates or tantric healers are who they claim to be so do your research. Safety first.

Pleasure is your birthright. 

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Touch me
Touch me
In secret places
No one has reached before
In silence
Where words only get in the way
In sadness
When whispering only makes sense.
Touch me
In the morning
When night still clings 
At midday
When confusion crowds upon me
At twilight
As I begin again to know who I am
In the evening
When I see you and I hear you
Best of all.
Touch me
Like a child
Who will never have enough love
For I am a girl
Who wants to be lost in your arms
A Woman
Who has known enough pain to love.
Touch me
In crowds
When a single look says everything
In solitude
When it’s to dark too even look
In absence
When I look for you through time and miles.
Touch me
In winter
When darkness comes early
And the softness of fur surrounds my face
In summer
When the sun makes me languid
And water laps at my feet
In spring
When lovers come alive
In fall
When the woods call to wanderers
And dry leaves make the softest of pillows.
Touch me
When I ask
When I’m afraid to ask 
Touch me 
With your lips 
Your hands 
Your words 
Your presence in the room. 
Touch me 
Gently 
For I am fragile 
Firmly 
For I am strong
Often 
For I am alone.  
Touch me 
Not like a cat
Or a tree
Or even a flower
I am more than all these
Yet akin to them; a woman. 
Touch me
I was made to be touched
I can never be touched enough.
– Author Unknown
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Living and loving greatly

“Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it’s better to leave them broken than hurt yourself trying to put it back together.” ~Unknown

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Earlier this week I was having a conversation with a dear friend of mine who was feeling a bit off kilter. She was consumed with a memory of a man who was no longer in her life. The memories of all the beautiful happy moments drowning out the dark and painful ones. During our conversation I asked one simple question, “If this man were to reach out to you right now….this very moment, what would you do?”

Silence.

The ghosts of the memories of past loves will continue to haunt each and everyone of us only because we allow it. The constant pain of the heart break that we choose to relive every day is of your own doing. Not the ghost. Not their actions. Not their words. You.

You have a choice, you can either allow yourself to be tormented by a memory of a person or you can remove the shackles and step out of the chamber that you placed yourself in. Remember, they didn’t place you in that cold, drafty cell. You did. Any misery you are feeling is, for the most part, your own creation.

“What do you want to happen? Are you hoping he’ll message you and tell you that he made a mistake and now after all these years chooses you? Is that what you are hoping?” I asked quite bluntly.

I refuse to tip toe around this matter any longer……this past month I’ve have been around another person who also is also consumed with a ghost of a memory of an ex. Holding on, clinging as if this person is the creator of the very air they breathe. Day in, day out grasping to ideas and ways to survive the inner turmoil, continuously falling on the sword in hopes people can see how self sacrificing their actions may seem.

“Some birds are not meant to be caged, that’s all. Their feathers are too bright, their songs too sweet and wild. So you let them go, or when you open the cage to feed them they somehow fly out past you. And the part of you that knows it was wrong to imprison them in the first place rejoices, but still, the place where you live is that much more drab and empty for their departure.” ~ Stephen King

“Do you think you’ll be remembered as a martyr due to the pangs of your lost love because I’m here to tell you that’s not how you’ll be remembered. I surely don’t want to be remembered as a person who lived their life sad and brokenhearted. I want to be remembered as a person who lived and loved greatly.”

I understand all to well where their pain consumes them, the ache deep down in their soul, the constant mental mind fuck we play on ourselves when we see something that our ghost would like. Oh how we wish we could just tell them about our promotion or the beautiful sunset that we just witnessed or the funny thing that happened to ourselves or that one thing that only they would understand. I get it. I lived it.

But there came a time when I refused to cause myself anymore pain. I deserved better than wishing, hoping, yearning for something that was never going to be. He wasn’t returning. He wasn’t going to come to a sudden realization that we belonged together….he made his decision. He wasn’t the air that I breathed. I gave him too much fucking power. That was my doing. I was stuck and I was the only person to remove myself. No one else could do it. I was stuck in the sludge of my own doing.

I made a promise to myself and that was to live and love greatly and I plan to keep my word to myself.

Love yourself. Be good to yourself and remember to live and love greatly.